Sunday, August 29, 2004

Weirdo Parade

It's going to be an interesting couple of days as the RNC convention kicks off in New York City tomorrow.

The most entertaining activities to watch will no doubt be the seemingly endless procession of demonstrators that will be showing their ass while marching at rout-step up and down the streets of the Big apple. At least, entertaining for those watching it from their television sets. I'm sure the good people of that thriving metropolis will be annoyed to distraction.

The types of demonstrators that will be present this week can be broken down into a very few sub-groups, each with distinctive traits that render them easily identifiable to even the novice observer.

First, there is the Kerry supporter. Yes, there are actually people out there that like and support Kerry. There are not many of them, but hey, this is America......with a population the size of ours you are even likely to find people that liked watching BJ and the Bear. These people are more than likely devoted fans of Barbara Streisand and get their news solely from Andy Rooney. Kerry Supporters are more likely than other protesters to bring their infant children along to participate

The next sub-group is the bona fide Weirdo. The Weirdo is one of the protester sub-groups that embraces shock and annoyance as it's modus operandi. Weirdos are usually professional protesters, sun-ripened hippies and physical cowards who do nothing in life but travel from town to town making a disturbance over the gripe du jour. Disobedience, civil and uncivil, is the name of the game with this type. The Weirdo will always be found wherever outlandish protests occur. Sit-Ins, Love-Ins, Vomit-ins, feigning death, blocking traffic , catchy chants like "No blood for oil"and destroying property are the keystones of this particular type. Weirdos also show a disturbing propensity for flashing and streaking. Pray that you never have to witness a feminist with more body hair than Uncle Lou in a wife-beater whilst she is getting things off her chest. That could be seared....seared into your mind like a Christmas in Cambodia.

Kooks are another type of shock and annoyance protester. Like the Weirdo, they are usually professional protesters, but instead of conviction they are motivated by their insatiable need to draw attention to themselves; anonymously if possible. Conspiracy-theorists and sociopaths are found in the rank and file of the Kook protesters. Flaky costumes, masks, head scarves and burkas are their trademark. For the conspiracy-theorist, masks are necessary to prevent the men in the black helicopters from finding out who they are (as if they didn't know who they were anyway). The sociopaths just like flashy clothes.

The Deviants are a bit more disturbing. Where the Kooks are kinda cartoonish and fun to watch, the homosexuals, lesbians, and cross-dressers who constitute the Deviants are strictly R rated. don't let your kids out as these guys are passing by. I don't know who is supposed to have their attitude toward this stuff changed after witnessing drag queens and deep-kissing men prance around, but their tactics definitely fall into the shock and annoyance category.

Blockheads are more or less benign compared to their protester brethren. These protesters consist mainly of school-aged kids and the senile. They show a marked tendency toward riding on the band-wagon that their friends are on. These are the easiest to debate because they are generally uninformed and are voting the Democratic ticket only because their college proff told them to or because they had voted Democrat since FDR.

Lastly, there is the sub-group of protester that you will hear little or nothing about. That will be the Pro-Bush or Counter-Protester. This type of protester will be easily identified because they are always in groups that are careful not to be in the street blocking traffic and they will never be seen destroying property. They are under-represented because most conservatives have jobs and families.

This is by no means a comprhensive list of the various types of protesters that will be seen this week during the Republican convention. It is merely a listing of the larger sub-groups. A primer if you will. It should be remembered that these groups do not represent a cross-section of the voters in this country by any means, so stop trembling and enjoy the show.